Just like a real, grown-up professional organisation (with nothing better to do) we have devised this disclaimer to support our policy of risk avoidance, buck passing and lawyer enrichment. It is supplied free in every one of our internal and external communications. We take no responsibility for any resulting bandwidth bottleneckings.

A large-print (ie legible) version of this disclaimer (hereinafter referred to as ‘the disclaimer’) is available by pressing your nose close to the screen. On no account should you actually touch any part of your computer, as this may cause smudges, electrocution and invalidate the warranty supplied with the Internet.

Terms such as ‘hereinafter’ are used purely for the purposes of obfuscation and fee justification. A document outlining our fee structure is available on request (price £749.31 + £117.02 postage).

If you have received this document in error, or if you may have done so, or your life is so empty that you wish to read our full disclaimer statement and monitoring policy, please first refer to the statement below. We reserve the right to make changes to this statement at any time, especially just before legal proceedings.

This communication is from Pruck. Pruck is not a limited liability partnership and is neither authorised by, nor registered with, any departmental authorities or jobs-for-the-boys official bureaucracies. Any relationship to the recently insolvent Pruck Market Trading Enterprises is entirely coincidental. We have no connection to them whatever. Absolutely none. So stop sending those final demands, ok?

In a manner befitting people who were insecure as children, this communication and any attachments contain information which is confidential and may also be privileged and is very, very secret. It is for the exclusive use of the intended recipient(s). If you are not the intended recipient(s) please note that any form of disclosure, distribution, copying, communication or use of this communication or the information in it or in any attachments is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful and we shall be angry. If you have received this communication in error, please return it with the title “received in error” to IT.SECURITY@pruck.com then delete the email and destroy any copies of it. Feel free to kill yourself in order to protect our security.

Reading this message implies that you indemnify us against everything, just in case.

Electronic communications cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error free, as information could be intercepted, confused, poorly worded, corrupted, amended, lost, destroyed, arrive late, or contain viruses or amusing pictures of animals dressed up in orange peel hats. Such messages or notices may be filled with spurious legalistic repetition, synonyms and tautology. We do not accept liability for any such matters or their consequences or for having failed to write an exhaustive list of the ways that stuff can be interfered with on The Internet. If in doubt, please make several copies of your communication on paper and send them via the mail in different packages. Even then your message may not get to us. Or we might just pretend it didn’t. Anyway, anyone who communicates with us by eg Email is taken to accept the risks in doing so (thrill seeker).

This disclaimer is copyright Pruck (Totally New) Enterprises 2005. Any attempt to reuse for the purposes of public entertainment must be authorised in writing and a fee is payable (as detailed in the aforementioned, blah, blah blah. Whatever).

The views and opinions of authors expressed on the pruck.com website do not necessarily reflect any cerebral activity, nor does pruck endorse, warrant, or guarantee the products, services, contrivances, inventions or information described or offered at other Internet Web Sites. No sir-ee. (but if you do want a pruck.com T-shirt, we may still have a few left in the van).

When visiting our Internet Web Site, your Internet Web Site browser screen thing may produce “pop-up” advertisements. These advertisements make us money, but we don’t approve of them and don’t know how they got there (eg that one about the enhancement device). Pruck urges you to consult with a qualified physician for diagnosis and for answers to your personal questions (especially that one about the resulting rash).

This electronical communication is almost certainly monitored by the U.S. Government and is protected by various provisions of Title 64/3 of the U.S. Code. Violations of Title 18.2232.001 are subject to criminal prosecution in a federal court. Pursuant to any required legal process, information from these sources may be used to help identify individual readers and have them terminalised.

Information is provided for informing and for other unspecified informational purposes only. We shall not be liable for any errors or delays in the content, or for any actions taken in reliance thereon. Shares may go up as well as down. Don’t blame us, etc etc. Get the picture yet?

Reading this message implies that you have agreed to our terms of business and that you waive all your rights. We now own your house.

Any images are for illustrative purposes only. Colours may differ from your view of reality.

Please note that we accept no responsibility for the content of this disclaimer.